If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
