Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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