Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i will never coherently bang her
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
