The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
