i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And then my night got REAL pukey
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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