I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
