last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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