All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
