Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
