it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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