if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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