They should really pass out barf bags in church
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
