Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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