he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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