I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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