would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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