Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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