and she was petting her beer can
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
