I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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