video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
