A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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