Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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