I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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