I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
