bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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