I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my being single is dangerous.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
