Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
