May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
