I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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