I wish I could teleport
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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