Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
