You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
