I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this is an emotional support booty call
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
