apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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