Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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