Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
