I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
