There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
