you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
