I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
