Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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