i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
