so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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