You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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