somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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