I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
