I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
