Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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