Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
