omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
