life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
