So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
