If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
