i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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