Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
