i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
