This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
