just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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