Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dick very happy bro
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
