someone threw a dead crab at me
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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