Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
