the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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