Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
