Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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