dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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