saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Its about making memories worth repressing
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
